Aviation Humor Thread

[CFIDave]

Another approach plate:

[CFIDave]

Yet another approach plate (for shuttle pilots only):

[CFIDave]

[CFIDave]

[Don]

These are good. Please keep them coming.

[CFIDave]

Animated GIF:

image12050.gif (30.77 KiB) Viewed 3076 times

[CFIDave]

Arizona Boneyard F-117 Stealth Fighter:

[rwtucker]

Received these today. Some old. A few I hadn't seen.

Pilots are people who drive airplanes for other people who can't fly.
Passengers are people who say they fly, but really just ride.

Fighter Pilots are steely eyed, weapons systems managers who kill bad
people and break things. However, they can also be very charming and
personable. The average fighter pilot, despite sometimes having a
swaggering exterior, is very much capable of such feelings as love,
affection, intimacy and caring. (However, these feelings don't involve
anyone else.)

Flying is a hard way to earn an easy living.

Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society.
The optimist invents the airplane; the pessimist, the parachute.

Death is just nature's way of telling you to watch your airspeed.

As a pilot only two bad things can happen to you (and one of them will):
a. One day you will walk out to the aircraft, knowing it is your last flight.
b. One day you will walk out to the aircraft, not knowing it is your last flight.

Before each flight, make sure that your bladder is empty and your fuel
tanks are full.

He who demands everything that his aircraft can give him is a pilot;
he who demands one iota more is a fool.

There are certain aircraft sounds that can only be heard at night and over
the ocean. Most of them are scary.

The aircraft limits are there in case there is another flight by that particular
aircraft. If subsequent flights do not appear likely, there are no limits.

"If the Wright brothers were alive today, Wilbur would have to fire
Orville to reduce costs." (President, DELTA Airlines.)

In the Alaskan bush, I'd rather have a two-hour bladder and three hours of
gas than vice versa.

An old pilot can remember when flying was dangerous and sex was safe.

Airlines have really changed; now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.

I've flown in both pilot seats. Can someone tell me why the other one
is often occupied by an idiot?

You have to make up your mind about growing up and becoming a pilot.
You can't do both.

[RMarkSampson]

Exchanges between pilots and control towers

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint ! We have digital watches!"


Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we
make up here?" Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it
hits a 727?"


From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue:
"I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify
yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing
stupid!"


O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your
traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this.. I've got
the little Fokker in sight."


A student became lost during a solo a cross-country flight. While
attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was
your last known position?"




Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."


A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly
long roll out after touching down.




San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the
end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the
Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and
return to the airport."


A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich ,
overheard the following:




Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance
time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in
English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German
airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"




Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British
accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"


Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the
way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."




Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702,
contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from
Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger;
and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."


One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to
hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8
landed, rolled out, turned around,



and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the
DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"




The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back
with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing
like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."


The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate
parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from
them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened
to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a
British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt, Speedbird 206! clear of active
runway."


Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA
747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.


Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"


Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate
location now."


Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have
you not been to Frankfurt before?"


Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And
I didn't land."


While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US
Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and
came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground
controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771,
where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned
right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to
tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing
her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:



"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort
this out! You stay right there and don 't move till I tell you to!
You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour,
and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and
how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"




"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell
terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody
wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current
state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was
definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and
keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

[RMarkSampson]

And from my F-4/F-104 father-in-law...
________________________________
> 'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.' -Unknown Author-
> ________________________________
> 'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a
> helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.' - Fixed Wing Pilot-
> ________________________________
> 'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough
> power left to get you to the scene of the crash.' -Multi-Engine Training Manual-
> ________________________________
> 'Without ammunition, the USAF is just an expensive flying club.' -Unknown Author-
> ________________________________
> 'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a
> person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about
> it.' - Emergency Checklist-
> ________________________________
> 'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely
> kill you.' - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot) -
> ________________________________
> 'If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.' - Sign
> over Carrier Group Operations Desk-
> ________________________________
> 'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power
> to taxi to the terminal.' - Lead-in Fighter Training Manual -
> ________________________________
> As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn
> off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives. The
> rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks,'What happened?' The pilot's reply:
> 'I don't know, I just got here myself!'